The Problems With Curried Squid
by jay5merlin
Summary: More mindless randomness for you to enjoy. LL and B5 are stuck in a box, yet soon find them selves in a rather more stickier situation. Meanwhile, their failing and slightly dysfunctional rescuers are about to sink a large seafood building. Help.
1. The author tries to think of a good plot

**Aaargh!! Drowning in revision! Crutches have gone though :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own The Legion of Superheroes or any of characters, or Ohio. On the other hand, I do own IOZB, but more will be revealed later on.**

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It turns out that life is often staggeringly unfair.

Take, for example, The Awfully Good Looking Chap Without A Goatee, a.k.a. Lightning Lad. Here he was, stuck in a rather large box with the words 'OUR CURRIED SQUID HAS NEVER BEEN BETTERED' stamped across the side, with only a Blonde Chap In An Anorak Who Likes Bread, a.k.a. Brainiac 5, for company.

Lightning Lad's Undecided Girlfriend Who Is Constantly Comatose, a.k.a. Saturn Girl, was at that moment not in a coma, but waiting for him on the banks of Lake IOZB (named after the enormous factory that overshadows it) to go out on their date, and he was keen to spend as much time as possible with her before she was inevitable knocked out by an enormous monster from outer space with a side parting and purple toenails. Only Lightning Lad wasn't able to be with Saturn Girl right now, due to the fact that he was in a box. As I have said before, life is often staggeringly unfair.

"Life is often staggeringly unfair," Lightning Lad lamented to his box mate. "I mean, you're not nearly as much fun to kiss as Saturn Girl. Not that I've ever tried you out of course, but I can imagine."

Brainiac 5 tried to say something sympathetic, but failed because his mouth was full of bread.

*****

Meanwhile, in a small town in Ohio…

"Gladys! We're out of curried squid!"

"Well, go down to the store to fetch some, Doris!"

"Ok, I'll be back soon!"

*****

As we rejoin our boxed heroes, we find them both in a bit of a state (well, who wouldn't be?)

The box lurched from side to side, and Lightning Lad wondered where the hell he was. He wasn't really concerned about where Brainy was, even though Brainy was practically sitting next to him. Besides, it was clear to Lightning Lad that Brainy was irreparably stuck in California (A.N. as in, how much is that doggy in the window?) He also looked a bit seasick, but then again that may have been the light. "Brainy, are you seasick?" Lightning Lad inquired.

"No. But I have a tube of PVA glue if it's any use to you."

Lightning Las sighed and wondered (again) where the hell he was. He also wondered various other things such as: Is there any nutritional value in dog biscuits? How many roads must a man walk down? How long would he be able to put up with Brainy humming 'We Went to the Animal Fair', and, what would he look like with a goatee?

*****

Just as this thought passed through Lightning Lad's head, Saturn Girl walked into the Legion headquarters in a bit of a fluster to be honest.

"Triplicate Girl!" she gasped, once having finally ascended all of 72 flights of stairs (the lift was broken). "I haven't seen Garth for ages. Have you seen him?"

"No, last time I saw him he was off on a mission with Brainy to Lake IOZB."

"I know, he was supposed to meet me there afterwards for our date, but he hasn't turned up. It was only a simple patrol, why would it take so long?" Just then, Saturn Girl's communication device sounded. She recognised the personalised intonation. "Garth!" she cried.

"Hey, Imra."

"Garth, where are you? You didn't turn up and we're all beginning to worry and-"

"Imra, what would I look like with a goatee?"

Imra nearly fainted from the kind of irritation only Undecided Girlfriends can possess. "Garth. Listen. Where-"

"Yes, but-what would I look like?"

"Like an idiot, I expect, now-"

"Ok, thanks. Bye!" *_BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP*_

"Oorrgh!"

*****

Meanwhile, back in our small town in Ohio…

"Gladys! Gladys! Gladys something terrible has happened!"

"What is it Doris?!"

"The store hasn't had its order of curried quid delivered yet!"

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**Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuuuuh!**

**Read and review please! Next chapter coming soon! (you lucky people)**


	2. Ok, thought of one, how to continue?

**One review *sigh*… Ah well, if your own stories make you laugh, you must be cool! (Storm Warning said that, I didn't make it up). Yaargh! Greenie is a very cool person and receives my sincere thanks and a guarantee into the Elysian Fields :) Next chapter! (you lucky people…)**

**Disclaimer: Nope, nope, nope. Kindly do not get your knickers in a twist. Nor do I own any of Doctor Who's gadgets**

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Minor recap for the sake of the author and those who couldn't be bothered to read chapter one: Brainiac 5 and Lightning Lad are stuck in a curried squid box. Saturn Girl has just realised that something might _possibly_ be afoot. Gladys and Doris suddenly find their little house in Ohio is out of curried squid.

*****

"A dice, two die… oh wait! Five! Gosh I wonder where they all came from. A model of the Loch Ness Monster (oops, that must be Cham's)… some buttons, ooh, a pretty red one, an egg (oh dear)… a paper flower and one… two… no, three… no _four_ pens. A mini Quantum Velocity Centro-scope…"

Lightning Lad (still shut up inside a box), finally lost it. "For goodness sake, Brainy!" he screamed. "How the hell can you have so much rubbish in your pockets?!"

"Yes," murmured the Coluan, who didn't seem to be showing any signs of distress at the dire situation he was in. "Bad habit I picked up from somewhere or someone, most unlike me…"

As far as Brainiac 5 was concerned, the situation could have been much worse. As far as Lightning Lad was concerned, life was at the moment staggeringly unfair. It was also mind-crumblingly boring. For the past half an hour (or 28 minutes, depending on whose time keeping you followed) Brainy had been sorting through the stuff in his pockets. Lightning Lad had been complaining, occasionally taking a break to whip out his handily placed pocket mirror to inspect the growth of his goatee.

"I don't want the whole beard," he informed his box-mate during a particularly dull 49 seconds. "Just I little bit on the chin here. I think it will bring out all my good features, don't you think?"

Apart from the fact that he twiddled a pen lid around a bit, Brainy couldn't have appeared less bothered. He had said very little to Lightning Lad since they had found themselves in a box that smelled like a pig's stomach had exploded, and hadn't spoken much in advance either, but now he broke his unofficial breach of silence: "I wonder if the others are going to rescue us," he mused. "Or, indeed, if they even realise we need rescuing."

*****

Plonking ourselves back down in the settings of Legion HQ, we find Undecided Girlfriend Who Is Constantly Comatose, Lass Who Is Nearly Happily Married Off To A Ball Of Plasticine, Really Rather Cute Chap Who Actually Doesn't Exist (A.N. This was set in series 1) and Bad Tempered Guy With Candle Wick Hair, a.k.a. Saturn Girl, Triplicate Girl, Chameleon Boy and Timber Wolf, in heated discussion. Actually, one of them was having a rather laid back chilled discussion, which only really goes to show the Idleness of Youth these days.

"Well," began Chameleon Boy. "Are we going to rescue them?"

"Well," replied Triplicate Girl. "First we need to find out if they actually need rescuing."

"Well," pointed out Saturn Girl. "We could be wasting valuable time. They may be in danger or something! Let's go and find out if they need rescuing by looking for them."

"Well," concluded Timber Wolf, turning on one of the 54 TVs in the room. "I think you're all making a big fuss over nothing."

And so they all went out to look for them. Walking down a blue coloured corridor, they happened to encounter Cosmic Boy, walking stiffly up and down.

"Are you suffering from cramp, Cosmic Boy?" asked Cham, in a sort of 'My, what a lovely day' manner.

"No, I am not!" replied their magnificent leader sharply. "I am on duty! And just where are you all going?!"

No-one was too keen to inform Cosmic Boy that Brainiac 5 and Lightning Lad may or may not have been in need in rescuing, and that they were just about to go and find out which category their disappearance fell in to. "Um, 10 o'clock stroll." Triplicate Girl said lightly.

Cosmic Boy's eyes narrowed.

"Are you suffering from a head-ache, Cos-"

"No, I am not! Legionary Code no. 24267 clearly states that-" Saturn Girl's eyes glowed a menacing shade of bright pink, and suddenly his demeanour changed. "Of course you may, children!" he gushed. "But don't forget to wrap up warm!"

Hurrying down what was left of the corridor, Saturn Girl said: "Sorry about that. It wasn't quite what I intended."

"Did the job! Now, to Lake IOZB!"

*****

Guess where we going in the meantime?

"Oh, Gladys what'll we do?!"

"I don't know Doris! Nothing like this has ever happened before!"

"Life without curried squid just isn't a life worth living!"

"I know, we have to do something!"

*****

"I think I've figured out where we are, Brainy?"

"Really? Where?"

"I think we're somewhere in the water."

Brainy blinked a couple of times. "Yes, I figured that out before we were thrown in this box, not 3 hours afterwards." He sighed at the considerable lack of intelligence on the part of his companion. I don't know if you ever been in a cardboard box floating around on the water, dear Reader (and I certainly don't recommend it) but there are some really rather key clues to working it out that you don't need 12th level intelligence for. I'd recommend about 4th level intelligence. Firstly, there is the ominous sound of _water_ splashing against the walls of your vessel. Secondly, there is the lurching and swaying (mentioned before) that could only suggest that you are not on solid ground, therefore either in _water_, outer space, or an enormous plate of jelly (well, this is the 31st century you know). And thirdly, and this particularly applies to anyone in a cardboard box (still not recommended) the fact that _water_ will begin to seep in through the bottom.

"Hang on," Lightning Lad suddenly cried. "Water's coming in through the bottom!"

Brainiac 5 began to consider the possibilities of falling asleep.

"I think we're sinking!"

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**Oh, and it's another tremendous (not) cliff-hanger from Jay5merlin!**

**I may have mentioned before that I really appreciate people reading AND reviewing my stories. It was nice to see so many people read it (I don't know if they actually reached the end though, or even started on the beginning), but I love reviews so pleeeeease review!!!**


	3. Thought of a plot AND continuing

**Kyar! Update! What lucky people you all are!**

**Disclaimer: I only own the plot really. Yarbrough was a pop singer from the 80s apparently.**

**By the way, if I have got anything about ox bow lakes wrong, that's because I learnt about them when I was only 11. **

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You may be familiar, dear reader, with the fact that if you are sitting in a cardboard box with copious amounts of water all around, the cardboard will become soggy and you will sink. Hmm, tricky. Luckily one of the most recent people to fall victim to this scenario was a Blonde Chap in an Anorak, who you may remember is the rather proud possessor of 12th level intelligence. And so, before he fell asleep, Brainiac 5 came up with the ingenious plan of turning the box around so that they were sitting on a dry side, and the roof was dripping on their heads. Brainy then fell asleep leaving the Not So Good Looking Chap WITH a Goatee alone with his very small goatee.

"It's growing all over!" cried Lightning Lad. "Quick! Pass me a razor!"

*****

Now, you must understand, dear reader, that Lake IOZB is more of an over sized Ox Bow Lake than anything else. An ox bow lake is one where a river erodes the bank to quite a far out point. Sediment then fills the gap and you are left with a river and a lake shaped like a bow (but why the hell an ox?) A well regarded professor of satellite dishes once suggested that perhaps these were the lakes the oxen drink from, and since then all diagrams of ox bow lakes have been drawn with small oxen-like shapes drinking from them. Moving on…

Therefore, as Lake IOZB is just an oversized ox bow lake, it has a river running along side it, called the river Yarbrough. The river Yarbrough is known by the locals as "The Fast Track to Ohio", due to the fact that it runs very quickly into Ohio. Those travelling along the river Yarbrough could find themselves in Ohio in a matter of hours, providing that they're not looking where they're going.

*****

Speaking of Ohio…

"Oh, Gladys, I don't know what to do, I just don't know!"

"I know Doris, this is a difficult time, but come now. Let's go outside and sit by the river and try to calm ourselves down."

"Good idea. *SIGH* the river Yarbrough is so pretty at this time."

*****

As you ponder on this revelation, we might as well go all the way back to a large cardboard box with the words 'OUR CURRIED SQUID HAS NEVER BEEN BETTERED' printed upside down on it, containing two unwilling passengers. One is asleep, the other has just remembered that he carries a small tin of shaving cream with him at all times in case of emergencies.

"Brainy! Brainy, wake up! Wake up now!" Seeing as plan A was failing, Fairly Good Looking Chap with a lot of Shaving Foam decided to move onto plan B, which involved hitting Brainy on his blonde head. Unfortunately he caught the tin of shaving cream with his elbow.

Brainiac 5 woke up with a start. "Argh! We're being attacked by tree flocking…except we're not."

"Brainy!" cried Lightning Lad. "A terrible disaster is about to befall us and you need to help me avert it. Do you have a razor in those bottomless pockets of yours?"

"No, I have no need for a razor."

"I would like to point out that you have no need for buttons, die, paper flowers, eggs or plastic toys yet you have those in your pockets!"

"However, I do have a crochet hook, four tea lights-"

"Shut up!"

But Brainiac 5 was deaf to Lightning Lad's words (A.N. like Haemon, except LL isn't B5's father and B5 isn't about to kill himself) and Lightning Lad was forced to sulk to pass the time. He wondered when he was going to be rescued from his dire situation and save his goatee from oblivion.

*****

"Well," said the Near Wife of a Ball of Plasticine. "We have arrived, now what?"

A Representative of the Idleness of Youth with Candlewick Hair flicked his TV remote in vain. "They could have drowned themselves of course, but that doesn't seem particularly like them."

"What we need to do is find a motive," offered Cham. "When someone kills themselves, you have to find their motive, or the motive of the person that killed them if they were murdered."

"Oughtn't we to find the bodies first?" asked Triplicate Girl. "After all, they could have been taken hostage by the curried quid company, or ran into the Fatal Five and been tied to trees with unbreakable rope, or wandered off to eat fish and chips."

"Hmm," said Cham. "I suggest we launch an attack on the IOZB building."

"Hang on!" screeched the Undecided Girlfriend. "I just realised something! I know where they are! They-" but before she could finish, Saturn Girl fell into a sudden and inexplicable coma.

"Hmm, this could be a minor problem." said the Cute Chap who Barely Exists. "However, I still think we should launch an attack."

"Look at this!" shouted Triplicate Girl.

"You know," said Timber Wolf. "Seeing as we are all standing a few feet away from each other, maybe it isn't so necessary to shout everything."

"Anyway!" yelled Triplicate Girl. "I believe that I, Triplicate Girl, have found a Clue!"

This clue, in case you are wondering (but you probably aren't) was a small square of fabric torn from Lightning Lad's handkerchief (easily identified by his personal pink checked pattern) that was smeared with curried squid sauce.

"Aha! I was right!" cried the Cute Chap. "We must now launch an attack on the IOZB building."

"This is obsessive."

*****

In Ohio…

"Gladys, do you see that?"

"See what Doris?"

"There's something floating in the water-what is it?"

"Hang on, Doris, let me get my glasses out. Yes…yes I do see something!"

"What do you see?"

"It's a box, Doris, a cardboard box floating on the water. And, it has writing on it."

"What does it say, Gladys?"

"It says…CURRIED SQUID!"

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**Oh, what next!? How can you contain your excitement?! And have you figured out the blatantly obvious plot yet? Read and Review please!**

**Love Jay :D**


	4. After all that, it ends!

**There appears to be some confusion as to what I am-I assure you, dear friends, I am a girl, make no mistake about it, though I have made the same ridiculous error in the past.**

**Disclaimer: Nothing owned nothing gained.**

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Life, as I may have mentioned before, is often staggeringly unfair, and for Lightning Lad, a marginally good looking member of the species 'Homo Sapiens', life had just got a lot worse. He was tied to a titanium pole, with titanium rope, suspended on a titanium tripod over a large and rather vicious flame.

Two old ladies stood cackling maniacally to one side, and Brainiac 5 sat placidly to the other.

Now perhaps you are wondering, dear reader, how poor little Lightning Lad managed to find himself in this ludicrously outdated scenario. Ooh, perhaps it is time for one of those things commonly known as a 'flash-back'. How thrilling…

A Mildly Good Looking Chap sitting in a slowly sinking cardboard box was wallowing in self pity and shaving foam. He was thinking to himself: 'How did I come to be a superhero? I could have had a nice respectable career like a farmer…I mean an industrial agrarian technician. (A.N. See series 1 episode 11.) It's probably that blasted Cosmic Boy's fault!' Before he could think anymore though, Lightning Lad was attacked by two large, middle aged ladies in patterned blouses who dragged him to the bank and tied him up.

"I'm being attacked by two large, middle aged ladies in patterned blouses!" shrieked Lightning Lad.

"I expect you'll get over it," comforted a Blonde Chap in an Anorak, swimming ashore…

And so now here the revered Lightning Lad was, in that sticky situation that I mentioned previously. He turned his head awkwardly to look at Brainiac 5. "Brainy!" he yelled. "Don't just stand there like a lemon! Do something! I'm about to be cooked alive!"

"Ooer, that could be a problem," Brainy mused. "But, you see those two humans over there-who for some extraordinary reason have mistaken you for curried squid-are keeping a very vigilant watch over my actions."

"Argh! But we are superheroes! Argh! This fire is singeing my beard!"

"I can't solve all you problems, you know."

*****

"And so," concluded a Really Rather Cute Chap who Doesn't Actually Exist, "following my sum up of the blatantly obvious facts, it seems we have no choice but to…LAUNCH AN ATTACK ON THE IOZB BUILDING!"

An ominous silence followed broken only by the comatose breathing of an Undecided Girlfriend.

"Hmm," murmured Timber Wolf. "How exactly do you plan to do this?"

"With this!" cried Cham, holding a handily placed piece of techno-dynamite above his head.

"Great stuff!" cried Triplicate Girl (as in Simon King).

*****

Back on the banks of the river Yarbrough, and amusingly cute, intelligent chap has just come up with a plan to save the world…

"Eureka!" yelled Brainiac 5, falling backwards into the river to prove his point. He climbed out. "Lightning Lad," he said, "observe as I save the day." Brainy untied the rope and the two superheroes flew off into the sky, leaving a couple of red eyed OAPs behind them.

"Oh yes! I forgot about these handy devices," said Lightning Lad, indicating his flight ring. "Now-to Lake IOZB!"

"What ho!" replied Brainy, dodging a passing seagull.

*****

Back in New Metropolis, the rescuers welcomed back the lost heroes with open arms. Sort of.

"Oh, at last," grumbled a Juvenile Delinquent with Candlewick Hair. "Now we can get back to HQ."

"Welcome ba-hang on! I don't exist yet!" cried Chameleon Boy, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Lightning Lad hurried over to Saturn Girl. "Drat it!" he groaned. "It's happened again. But don't worry Saturn Girl, I have decided that you **are** my girlfriend, and my goatee will have grown by the time you wake up."

"Congratulate me!" squealed Triplicate Girl. "I'm getting married!"

Suddenly an immense _**BOOM**_ sounded from behind them, and three pairs of eyes turned to look, just in time to see the great curried squid factory fall in slow motion, like a colossal ship capsizing, into the oversized ox bow lake that was (and still is) Lake IOZB with an almighty crash.

"Ooer," murmured Brainiac 5.

THE END


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